Evidence-based exercises for deeper connection, healthier conflict resolution, and lasting intimacy.
Setting yourself up for success
This workbook is designed for flexibility. You can work through it cover-to-cover, or jump to sections that feel most relevant right now. What matters most is that you engage with it together, with curiosity rather than judgment.
Throughout this workbook, you'll see sections marked "Partner A" and "Partner B." Decide now who will be which—it doesn't matter who is which, just stay consistent.
Research shows couples who do a weekly 30-minute check-in have significantly higher relationship satisfaction. We've included templates on pages 54-57 to make this easy.
Want to do quick daily check-ins from your phone? The Relationship Check-In App lets you log mood, appreciation, and connection moments throughout the week.
What do you hope to create together?
Before diving in, take a moment to reflect—individually and together—on what brought you to this workbook and what you hope to gain. Being clear on your intentions helps you stay motivated when the work gets challenging.
What I hope to learn or change through this workbook:
What I hope to learn or change through this workbook:
A baseline to measure your growth
Before beginning, let's capture where your relationship stands today. You'll retake this assessment at the end to see how far you've come. Rate each area from 1-10 based on how satisfied you currently feel. Be honest—this is for growth, not grades.
Before you can change how you communicate, you need to understand your current patterns. This section reveals the hidden dynamics shaping your conversations.
Gottman's predictors of relationship breakdown
Dr. John Gottman's research identified four communication patterns that, if left unchecked, can predict the end of a relationship with over 90% accuracy. The good news? Recognizing them is the first step to stopping them.
Attacking your partner's character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. Often starts with "You always..." or "You never..."
Treating your partner as inferior through sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, name-calling, or hostile humor. The most destructive of the four.
Making excuses, cross-complaining, or playing the innocent victim to ward off a perceived attack. Blocks the conversation from moving forward.
Withdrawing from interaction, shutting down, or giving the silent treatment. Usually happens when feeling overwhelmed or flooded.
Everyone uses these patterns sometimes. Checking boxes here doesn't mean you're a bad partner—it means you're human and ready to grow. The goal is recognition, not self-criticism.
Replacing harmful patterns with healthy ones
For every Horseman, there's an antidote—a healthier way to express the same underlying need. Learning these replacements transforms conflict into connection.
Express a specific need or feeling without attacking character. Focus on "I feel..." about a specific situation, then make a positive request.
Regularly express genuine gratitude, respect, and admiration. Contempt grows from accumulated resentment—appreciation is the cure.
Accept even a small part of responsibility for the issue. This de-escalates conflict and shows your partner you're on the same team.
Take a structured break (20+ minutes) to calm down, then return to the conversation. The key: actually come back and re-engage.
Think of a recent conflict where you used one of the Four Horsemen. Write what you said, then rewrite it using the antidote:
WHAT I SAID (The Horseman):
WHAT I COULD SAY INSTEAD (The Antidote):
Use the Relationship Check-In app to log when you catch a Horseman and successfully use an antidote. Small wins add up!
Understanding how you naturally communicate
This quiz helps identify your default communication patterns. There are no "right" answers—just honest reflection. Both partners should complete this independently, then compare results.
Continued
Questions 1, 2, 5, 7:
Higher scores suggest a Pursuer style.
Questions 3, 4, 6, 9:
Higher scores suggest a Withdrawer style.
Questions 8, 11, 12:
Higher scores suggest Conflict Avoidance.
Question 10:
Higher score indicates Active Listening strength.
My primary communication style appears to be:
My primary communication style appears to be:
Understanding how you express yourself
We all default to certain communication styles, especially under stress. Understanding these patterns—in yourself and your partner—helps you choose more effective approaches.
Clearly expressing your feelings, needs, and boundaries while respecting your partner's. You advocate for yourself without diminishing others. This style builds trust and mutual respect.
Difficulty expressing feelings or needs, often deferring to others to avoid conflict. While seemingly peaceful, this style leads to resentment buildup and unmet needs over time.
Expressing feelings and needs in ways that violate others' rights. May involve intimidation, blame, or control. Gets short-term results but damages trust and connection long-term.
Most people use different styles in different situations. You might be assertive at work but passive at home, or passive with friends but aggressive with family. Notice your patterns across contexts.
Continued
Appearing passive on the surface while indirectly expressing anger or resentment. This style confuses partners and erodes trust because the real message is never directly stated.
Check all that apply to you:
Check all that apply to you:
My dominant communication style is probably:
This style developed because:
My dominant communication style is probably:
This style developed because:
Our communication styles usually developed as survival strategies—ways of coping with our families, past relationships, or difficult experiences. Understanding the "why" behind your patterns opens the door to changing them with self-compassion rather than self-criticism.
Individual deep-dive reflection
Now that you've learned about the Four Horsemen and communication styles, take some time for personal reflection. Complete these prompts individually, then share with your partner.
My communication strengths (what I do well):
My communication challenges (where I struggle):
When I'm stressed or upset, I tend to:
I feel most heard when my partner:
When you share these reflections with your partner, listen without defending or explaining. Simply thank them for sharing and ask clarifying questions if needed.
Partner B & Comparison
My communication strengths (what I do well):
My communication challenges (where I struggle):
When I'm stressed or upset, I tend to:
I feel most heard when my partner:
Use the Relationship Check-In app to track your daily communication wins and challenges. Notice patterns over time and celebrate progress together.
Most people listen to respond, not to understand. This section teaches you to truly hear your partner—a skill that transforms relationships.
A framework for empathic listening
The HEAR method transforms how you listen. Instead of waiting for your turn to speak, you fully receive your partner's message—creating the safety and understanding that deepens connection.
Stop whatever you're doing. Put down your phone, turn off the TV, pause your task. Give your partner your full, undivided attention. Your body language matters—face them, uncross your arms.
Show you're listening through eye contact, nodding, and brief verbal cues ("mm-hmm," "I see"). Lean in slightly. Your engagement tells your partner their words matter to you.
Resist the urge to formulate your response while they're talking. Instead, anticipate their full message. Stay curious—assume there's more beneath the surface. Don't interrupt.
Mirror back what you heard—both the content and the emotion. This confirms understanding and shows you truly listened. Ask if you got it right before sharing your perspective.
Studies show we remember only 25-50% of what we hear. When emotions are high, that drops even further. The HEAR method closes this gap by keeping you present and engaged.
Practice HEAR during low-stakes conversations first—asking about their day, discussing weekend plans. Build the muscle before tackling difficult topics.
A structured exercise for both partners
This exercise gives both partners a chance to practice being fully heard. Set aside 15-20 minutes in a quiet space. Follow the structure exactly—it may feel awkward at first, but that's normal.
Round 1 (5 min): Partner A speaks for 3 minutes on a topic of their choice. Partner B uses HEAR—no interrupting. Then Partner B reflects back for 2 minutes.
Round 2 (5 min): Switch roles. Partner B speaks, Partner A listens and reflects.
Debrief (5 min): Discuss how it felt to be fully heard and to fully listen.
As the speaker, how did it feel to have uninterrupted time?
As the listener, what was hardest about not responding?
As the speaker, how did it feel to have uninterrupted time?
As the listener, what was hardest about not responding?
Try this exercise weekly! The Relationship Check-In app can remind you to practice and track how your listening skills improve over time.
Partner A's reflection
Feeling truly heard is one of the deepest human needs. This reflection helps your partner understand exactly what makes you feel listened to—because it's different for everyone.
I feel most heard when my partner:
I know I'm NOT being heard when:
The physical signs that show me someone is really listening (eye contact, body language, etc.):
A time I felt completely heard by you was:
When you share these reflections, Partner B should practice HEAR—listen fully before responding. This is a chance to learn what specifically makes your partner feel valued.
Partner B's reflection
I feel most heard when my partner:
I know I'm NOT being heard when:
The physical signs that show me someone is really listening (eye contact, body language, etc.):
A time I felt completely heard by you was:
The small moments that build (or break) intimacy
A "bid" is any attempt to connect—a question, a look, a touch, a comment about something you noticed. Dr. Gottman's research found that how partners respond to these small bids predicts relationship success more than grand gestures.
Acknowledging the bid with interest, attention, or enthusiasm. Shows your partner they matter.
Ignoring or missing the bid entirely. Often unintentional but still damaging over time.
Responding with irritation, dismissal, or hostility. Actively rejects the connection attempt.
In Gottman's "Love Lab" studies, couples who stayed happily married turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who later divorced turned toward only 33% of the time. The difference wasn't in big moments—it was in these tiny daily interactions.
Think about today or yesterday. List 3 bids you made to your partner, and 3 bids they made to you:
BIDS I MADE:
BIDS MY PARTNER MADE:
A one-week awareness exercise
For one week, pay attention to bids—both making them and responding to them. At the end of each day, note how you responded to your partner's bids. The goal isn't perfection; it's awareness.
| Day | Turned Toward ✓ | Turned Away â—‹ | Turned Against ✗ | Notes / Examples |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Monday | ||||
| Tuesday | ||||
| Wednesday | ||||
| Thursday | ||||
| Friday | ||||
| Saturday | ||||
| Sunday |
Fill in one circle for each bid response you notice. At week's end, look for patterns: Are there times of day you turn away more? Situations that trigger "against" responses? Awareness is the first step to change.
The Relationship Check-In app makes daily bid tracking easy with quick one-tap logging and weekly summaries of your turning-toward percentage.
Learning from your tracking
After tracking your bids for a week, use these prompts to reflect on what you've learned—individually first, then together.
What I noticed about my bid responses this week:
Times I turned away or against (and what was happening):
One thing I want to do differently:
What I noticed about my bid responses this week:
Times I turned away or against (and what was happening):
One thing I want to do differently:
You won't turn toward 100% of the time—no one does. The goal is progress, not perfection. When you miss a bid, repair quickly: "I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier. What were you saying?" That repair itself is a bid turned toward.
How you say something matters as much as what you say. This section teaches you frameworks for expressing yourself clearly, honestly, and in ways your partner can actually hear.
Marshall Rosenberg's 4-step framework
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg to help people express themselves honestly while maintaining connection. It separates observation from judgment, and feelings from accusations.
State the specific facts you observed—what a camera would record. No interpretation, judgment, or evaluation.
Name your actual emotion—not what you think or how you interpret their behavior. Use "I feel [emotion]."
Identify the universal human need underneath your feeling. Needs are never about specific people or actions.
Make a specific, doable request (not a demand). The other person must be free to say no.
A request becomes a demand when there's punishment for saying "no." If your partner can't decline without consequences, it's not really a request—and they'll feel controlled rather than connected.
From accusation to connection
"You never help with the kids. I have to do everything around here while you just relax!"
"When I put the kids to bed alone three nights this week [observation], I felt exhausted and resentful [feeling], because I need partnership and shared responsibility [need]. Would you be willing to handle bedtime on Tuesdays and Thursdays? [request]"
Now You Try: Convert This Statement
1. OBSERVATION (Just the facts):
2. FEELING (Your emotion):
3. NEED (Universal human need):
4. REQUEST (Specific & doable):
Building your NVC muscle
Practice converting these common relationship complaints into full NVC statements. Use all four parts: Observation → Feeling → Need → Request.
Owning your experience without blame
"You" statements trigger defensiveness. "I" statements invite understanding. This simple shift—taking ownership of your feelings rather than blaming—transforms how your message is received.
"You never listen to me."
"You're so inconsiderate."
"You make me so angry."
"You don't care about my feelings."
"I feel unheard when I'm interrupted."
"I feel hurt when plans change suddenly."
"I feel frustrated when this happens."
"I feel dismissed when my concerns aren't acknowledged."
"I feel like you don't care" is NOT an I-statement—it's a judgment in disguise. Real feelings are single words: hurt, sad, frustrated, anxious, lonely. If you can replace "I feel" with "I think," it's not a true feeling.
Both partners complete this exercise
Convert each "You" statement into a proper I-Statement using the formula. Remember: I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because I need [underlying need].
CONVERT: "You never help with dinner."
CONVERT: "You always criticize me."
MY OWN: Write an I-Statement about something real:
CONVERT: "You don't appreciate me."
CONVERT: "You care more about work than me."
MY OWN: Write an I-Statement about something real:
Use the Relationship Check-In app to log one I-Statement daily. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes—even in heated moments.
The first 3 minutes predict everything
Dr. Gottman discovered that 96% of the time, a conversation ends on the same note it began. A "harsh startup"—launching with criticism or contempt—almost guarantees a fight. A "soft startup" dramatically increases your chances of being heard.
Fill in this template for an issue you need to discuss:
Converting harsh to soft
Practice rewriting these harsh startups as soft ones. Use the 6 keys: Start with "I," describe don't judge, state your need, be polite, focus on one issue, and ask if it's a good time.
Choosing language that connects
Certain words and phrases shut down connection; others open it up. Learning which words trigger defensiveness—and which invite understanding—gives you more power to be heard.
Words/phrases I use that might shut my partner down:
Words from my partner that trigger me:
Words/phrases I use that might shut my partner down:
Words from my partner that trigger me:
Commitments for healthier conversations
Based on what you've learned in this section, create agreements together about how you'll communicate—especially during difficult conversations. Post this somewhere visible as a reminder.
The ONE thing I most want to work on in how I communicate:
The ONE thing I most want to work on in how I communicate:
We commit to practicing these skills together.
Partner A Signature
Partner B Signature
Date: _______________
Conflict is inevitable—how you handle it determines whether it damages or deepens your relationship. This section teaches you to fight fair, repair quickly, and turn disagreements into opportunities for growth.
How do you typically respond to conflict?
We each develop a default style for handling conflict, often learned in childhood. Understanding your style—and your partner's—helps you navigate disagreements with more awareness and compassion.
Confronts conflict head-on, sometimes aggressively. Believes problems need immediate resolution.
Shuts down or withdraws. Needs space to process before engaging. May appear cold.
Jumps to solutions immediately. May skip over emotions in the rush to resolve.
Hopes conflict will resolve itself. Changes subject or pretends nothing happened.
My primary conflict style is:
When conflict escalates, I tend to:
My primary conflict style is:
When conflict escalates, I tend to:
Understanding the dance between you
When different conflict styles meet, predictable patterns emerge. The Fighter + Freezer combo creates a "pursue-withdraw" cycle. Two Avoiders may never address issues. Awareness of your pattern is the first step to changing it.
Fighter + Freezer: One pursues, one withdraws. Creates escalating cycles until one gives up.
Fighter + Fighter: Explosive arguments. Must learn to take breaks before saying something irreversible.
Freezer + Avoider: Issues never get addressed. Resentment builds silently.
Fixer + Any: Partner may feel unheard if emotions are skipped. Must slow down.
The person who notices the pattern first has the power to interrupt it. Try: "I notice we're in our cycle again. Can we pause and start over?"
When your nervous system takes over
"Flooding" is when your heart rate exceeds 100 BPM during conflict. Your body enters fight-or-flight, the prefrontal cortex goes offline, and productive conversation becomes impossible. Learning to recognize and manage flooding is essential.
Research shows it takes at least 20 minutes for your nervous system to return to baseline after flooding. Trying to resolve things sooner usually makes it worse. Agree on a time to return: "I need a break. Can we revisit this in 30 minutes?"
I know I'm flooding when:
What helps me calm down:
I know I'm flooding when:
What helps me calm down:
Agree on this BEFORE you need it
The time to establish a break protocol is when you're calm—not mid-argument. Create agreements now about how breaks will work, so neither person feels abandoned when one is needed.
A healthy break is a pause to calm down with a clear plan to return. Stonewalling is shutting down indefinitely with no commitment to re-engage. The difference is communication and follow-through.
The secret weapon of happy couples
Repair attempts are any effort to de-escalate tension during conflict. Gottman found that successful couples aren't better at avoiding conflict—they're better at making and receiving repair attempts. Even small gestures can stop a downward spiral.
Making repairs is only half the equation. If your partner offers an olive branch and you reject it ("Don't try to joke your way out of this!"), the repair fails. Practice accepting imperfect repair attempts—they're a sign your partner is trying.
Repairs that work best for me to GIVE:
Repairs that work best for me to RECEIVE:
Repairs that work best for me to GIVE:
Repairs that work best for me to RECEIVE:
Turning fights into understanding
After a conflict has cooled, it's valuable to process what happened—not to re-litigate, but to understand each other better and prevent the same fight from recurring. Use this template within 24-48 hours of a significant disagreement.
Brief description of the topic/trigger:
During the conflict, I felt:
What I needed but didn't get:
My contribution to the escalation:
During the conflict, I felt:
What I needed but didn't get:
My contribution to the escalation:
Processing isn't about determining who was "right." Both of you can have valid feelings and perspectives simultaneously. The goal is understanding, not winning.
Finding the way forward together
Our Repair & Reconnection
What we want to say to each other to close this conflict with love:
Boundaries we agree to honor, even when angry
Even in conflict, there should be lines you won't cross. Create your own "rules of engagement" that protect your relationship even when you're upset. Review and sign this together.
Additional rules we want to add:
We commit to fighting fair, even when we're angry.
Partner A Signature
Partner B Signature
Not every problem needs solving
Gottman found that 69% of relationship conflicts are "perpetual"—they stem from fundamental differences in personality or needs and will never fully resolve. Happy couples learn to manage these with humor and acceptance rather than trying to "win."
Example: "Who handles bedtime routines?"
Example: "I need more social time / I need more alone time"
Aim for ongoing dialogue with understanding and humor, not gridlock with hurt and frustration. If you can laugh about your differences after 30 years, you've succeeded.
Noticing patterns over time
Track your conflicts over the next few weeks to identify patterns. What triggers them? What time of day? What helps resolve them? Awareness creates opportunity for change.
| Date | Topic/Trigger | Escalation Level (1-10) | What Helped Resolve? | What We'd Do Differently |
|---|---|---|---|---|
What we've learned about navigating conflict
Take a few minutes to reflect individually on what you've learned in this section, then share with each other.
The most important thing I learned about how WE handle conflict:
One thing I want to do differently going forward:
What I appreciate about how my partner handles conflict:
The most important thing I learned about how WE handle conflict:
One thing I want to do differently going forward:
What I appreciate about how my partner handles conflict:
Use the Relationship Check-In app to log how conflicts go over time. Celebrate when you use repairs, take healthy breaks, or avoid the Four Horsemen!
True intimacy goes beyond physical closeness—it's knowing and being known. This section helps you build emotional connection through understanding each other's inner worlds and creating meaningful rituals together.
Knowing your partner's inner world
A "Love Map" is Gottman's term for the part of your brain where you store important information about your partner—their dreams, fears, history, preferences, and daily life. Couples with detailed Love Maps navigate stress better because they truly understand each other.
People change! What was true about your partner five years ago may not be true today. Make it a habit to ask curious questions regularly. Try one new question each week.
Questions that build intimacy
Take turns asking and answering these deeper questions. Listen without judgment. The goal isn't to "get through" the list—it's to truly understand each other.
What's something you've never told me but want me to know?
What do you need more of from me right now?
What's a dream you've been afraid to share?
What's something you've never told me but want me to know?
What do you need more of from me right now?
What's a dream you've been afraid to share?
How do you give and receive love?
Gary Chapman's Love Languages framework suggests we each have preferred ways of expressing and receiving love. When partners "speak" different love languages, they may both be trying hard but missing each other completely.
Thoughtful presents, surprises, visual symbols of love. It's the thought and effort behind the gift that matters.
Undivided attention, meaningful conversations, shared activities. Being fully present together.
Verbal compliments, appreciation, encouragement. Hearing "I love you" and why.
Actions that ease your burden. Doing chores, helping with tasks, "let me do that for you."
Hugs, holding hands, physical closeness, intimacy. Feeling connected through physical contact.
The key insight: speak your partner's love language, even if it doesn't come naturally. If their language is Acts of Service and yours is Words, doing the dishes may mean more to them than saying "I love you."
Discovering how you each feel most loved
Rank the five love languages from 1 (most important) to 5 (least important) for both how you prefer to RECEIVE love and how you naturally GIVE love. These may be different!
HOW I PREFER TO RECEIVE LOVE (rank 1-5):
HOW I NATURALLY GIVE LOVE (rank 1-5):
HOW I PREFER TO RECEIVE LOVE (rank 1-5):
HOW I NATURALLY GIVE LOVE (rank 1-5):
Practical ways to speak each other's language
Now that you know each other's primary love languages, brainstorm specific ways you can express love in the language your partner understands best.
Partner A's primary language:
5 specific ways to speak this language:
Partner B's primary language:
5 specific ways to speak this language:
Creating meaningful traditions together
Rituals are the predictable, repeated moments that create security and connection in your relationship. They don't have to be grand—even small daily rituals build emotional bank accounts over time.
Daily:
Weekly:
Yearly:
The antidote to contempt
Gottman found that couples who maintain fondness and admiration—actively focusing on what they appreciate about each other—have relationships that are far more resilient. This is the direct antidote to contempt, the most destructive of the Four Horsemen.
Three character traits I deeply admire:
A specific moment when I felt proud of you:
What makes you an amazing partner:
Three character traits I deeply admire:
A specific moment when I felt proud of you:
What makes you an amazing partner:
Try this: Every day, tell your partner one specific thing you appreciated about them that day. Not generic ("you're great") but specific ("I noticed how patient you were with the kids tonight—that meant a lot").
You've learned the tools—now it's time to integrate them into your daily life. This final section provides templates for ongoing practice and guidance for when you need additional support.
A ritual for ongoing connection
Set aside 20-30 minutes each week for a structured check-in. This keeps small issues from becoming big ones and ensures you're both staying connected amidst busy lives. Copy this page or use the digital version in the app.
1. APPRECIATION — Something I appreciated about you this week:
2. HIGH & LOW — Best and hardest moments this week:
3. NEEDS — Something I need more of or less of:
4. REPAIRS — Anything unresolved we need to address?
5. UPCOMING — What's coming up that we need to coordinate on?
The Relationship Check-In app guides you through this same check-in on your phone, with reminders and history tracking so you can see your progress over time.
Additional copy for continued use
1. APPRECIATION — Something I appreciated about you this week:
2. HIGH & LOW — Best and hardest moments this week:
3. NEEDS — Something I need more of or less of:
4. REPAIRS — Anything unresolved we need to address?
5. UPCOMING — What's coming up that we need to coordinate on?
Pick a consistent day/time. Start with appreciation—it sets a positive tone. Take turns speaking without interruption. End with something you're looking forward to together.
Taking a longer view
Once a month, take time for a deeper reflection on how your relationship is going. This helps you celebrate progress and catch issues before they grow.
On a scale of 1-10, how connected did we feel this month?
What went well this month in our relationship?
What was challenging?
Which communication tools from this workbook did we use?
What do we want to focus on next month?
Celebrating growth and setting intentions
Every three months, revisit your goals and celebrate how far you've come. Return to page 5 to review your original goals.
Progress on our original goals (from page 5):
Communication skills we've improved:
Patterns we've successfully changed:
Goals for the next quarter:
Don't skip the celebration! Even small improvements deserve recognition. Consider marking quarterly reviews with a special date or activity to honor the work you're doing together.
Recognizing when you need additional support
This workbook is a powerful tool, but it's not a replacement for professional therapy. Some situations benefit greatly from working with a trained couples therapist. There's no shame in seeking help—it's actually a sign of commitment to your relationship.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Seeking therapy isn't admitting failure—it's investing in your relationship. Many couples who attend therapy early on prevent small issues from becoming relationship-ending problems. Think of it as relationship maintenance, not repair.